Thank you for this Eline, such an important issue for the 17-20% whose nervous systems work differently, who are 'hypersensitive', receive more information and so need more time to process it; it's a gift that should be respected not trampled upon.
I spent today with my two and a half year old great-nephew. It was beautiful to see how clearly he expressed his 'no'. Without hesitation he knew just what he wanted and needed at each moment. No anger, frustration, anxiety or tantrum in the 'no' - just a clear expression of who he is. So sad that many of us never learnt this or lost it along the way. I hope it will be easier for him and his generation to keep this clarity and confidence in expressing 'no'.
Hey Linda, yes I’m a time of fast computers it’s easily forgotten that for the human brain and heart it takes time to process information. And especially for HSPs who in general are aware of more info coming in… how do you do that? Take some time by yourself? Move? Journal? I often like laying on the earth. Literally pausing, and feeling the support underneath my body.
And yea what a gift that your great grand son brings - the wisdom of clear boundaries. I think this is an area we can also explore in movement very well… there is one Qi Gong movement that always helps me with this, Dragon stretches its tail!
I feel like this essay just walked into the room, gave my nervous system a warm cup of tea, and said, “You don’t have to contort yourself to be palatable.” The bit about someone else’s discomfort being a mirror of their own unexamined patterns? Oof. That’s gospel-level wisdom.
Also, the image of “standing in the center of your circle” needs to be stitched onto the robes of every people-pleaser in recovery. Too many of us have been orbiting around others’ expectations like confused moons hoping to be mistaken for stars.
Thank you for mapping this emotional terrain with such grace. I’m bookmarking this for the next time I spiral into guilt for simply needing stillness.
Thank you Aleksander for sharing your very poetic-mystical reflections. I’m glad your nervous system could spiral out of contraction with a nice cuppa!
I recognize a lot from what you are writing about. For me, it is a ‘live and let live’. I don’t feel rejected when someone says ‘no’, one way or another. My space is sacred, another one’s space is too. When someone doesn’t understand when I set my boundaries, it is their problem, not mine. Does this sound selfish? If someone else feels rejected, it only means I am some kind of mirror for the other person. It is for them to dive into it. And if I get hurt one way or another by someone else, it is my responsibility to see where this pain comes from. It is always a child pain of neglect, loneliness, or whatever emotion I feel. But… I don’t get ‘hurt’ that often anymore (which is kind of a liberating feeling).
To set my own boundaries, say ‘no’ when I need to and to really do so - despite of what is suspected in our society or by someone’s own morals and standards or hope - takes a big grasp of air, especially when you expect someone else will not understand. Although it might sometimes feel as a struggle and difficult to do, it is the best form of selfcare I can do for myself.
It’s really all about becoming an ‘emotionally grown up’ person. Ever read ‘Volwassen worden voor volwassenen’ (Elmer Hendrix)? I realise that a large part of humanity is still stuck in ‘what they are supposed to say or do’, stuck to their family system of ‘this is how we do things’, their culture, believes and a strong set of moral standards that are never looked at, nor investigated as to whether they are still appropriate and applicable (and all the other things you mention😉).
It takes a form of ‘consciousness’ to outgrow all of that. I am learning fast after making a decision to listen to myself and what I want and need instead of thinking what the other will think of me. Getting close to 55 I realise I spent almost 55 years to be nice to others and I forgot myself, lost myself, along the way.
The more conscious I get, the ‘lonelier’ it gets, but it doesn’t really feel lonely actually. It feels steady and good and solid to be honest.
Also, the more guilt you feel about living your own standards, the more emotionally grown up you are becoming.
‘Als je begrijpt wat ik bedoel’ (zou Olivier B. Bommel zeggen)😌.
Hey Andrea, that's great that you have the spacious capacity to not take things personally. That gives even more space in return!
I recently learned the difference between 'I can feel emotional effects after a conversation', but it's their story, and I don't have to buy into it. Not selfish at all! I also love what you write about sacred space.
The mirror image ALSO lives in my awareness (beautiful to unpack perhaps in another essay!), also about what I learn in the mirror of the interaction - without expecting them to see things the same, be in the relationship in the same way, reflect tin the same way, take the same insights with etc...
Boundaries are essential for self care - and I always remain intrigued by the dance between... Boundaries to protect, without separating. I'll check out Hendrix' book, sounds like an awesome read!
I think there can be a loneliness in relationship when it doesn't resonate, so absolutely, solid and steady when choosing your own company. Love all your reflections in Bommel style, (for other readers - a Dutch comic with a reflective bear who feels he's quite philosophical :-) Thank you!!!
I have seen this topic discussed a lot on Instagram for the past 2 years, which makes me think that there needs to be more action and understanding as a society if it's still so unresolved after so long. Even individuals who are able-bodied have been expressing some of the sentiments listed in the post! What I appreciate most is that you introduce a different approach to handling the situation, one that is more thoughtful and measured - empathetic even! I think that most often, I feel emotion #2...otherwise, I'm usually quite happy to squirm out of social obligations. ^_^
Hi Eugenia, yes that's such an accurate reflection. I think communication is challenging for all of us.
Even in reading the reflections on the essay, I thought about the differences between introvert/extravert; HSP-nonHSP, neurodivergent, who can all be in able-bodies or have the added challenge of limiting health...
Perhaps we could think of a series on Embodied Communication - especially re the different approaches; so that we can keep the communication open with respect and curiosity...
Had to grin with the 'happy to squirm out' but yes, that can create it's own type of loneliness, grief, wishfulness and frustration re our body... Hope you can re-connect with body as a friend.
Love your writing Eline. I find the little bit of Contact Improv I practice relates to what you're saying. I'll also reread what you wrote and think about the dialogue that goes on between my 2 ears. I like how you conclude with the idea of celebrating the times the space remains soft.....
I'll work on that with others and also with how I communicate with myself.
Thank you for this Eline, such an important issue for the 17-20% whose nervous systems work differently, who are 'hypersensitive', receive more information and so need more time to process it; it's a gift that should be respected not trampled upon.
I spent today with my two and a half year old great-nephew. It was beautiful to see how clearly he expressed his 'no'. Without hesitation he knew just what he wanted and needed at each moment. No anger, frustration, anxiety or tantrum in the 'no' - just a clear expression of who he is. So sad that many of us never learnt this or lost it along the way. I hope it will be easier for him and his generation to keep this clarity and confidence in expressing 'no'.
Hey Linda, yes I’m a time of fast computers it’s easily forgotten that for the human brain and heart it takes time to process information. And especially for HSPs who in general are aware of more info coming in… how do you do that? Take some time by yourself? Move? Journal? I often like laying on the earth. Literally pausing, and feeling the support underneath my body.
And yea what a gift that your great grand son brings - the wisdom of clear boundaries. I think this is an area we can also explore in movement very well… there is one Qi Gong movement that always helps me with this, Dragon stretches its tail!
I feel like this essay just walked into the room, gave my nervous system a warm cup of tea, and said, “You don’t have to contort yourself to be palatable.” The bit about someone else’s discomfort being a mirror of their own unexamined patterns? Oof. That’s gospel-level wisdom.
Also, the image of “standing in the center of your circle” needs to be stitched onto the robes of every people-pleaser in recovery. Too many of us have been orbiting around others’ expectations like confused moons hoping to be mistaken for stars.
Thank you for mapping this emotional terrain with such grace. I’m bookmarking this for the next time I spiral into guilt for simply needing stillness.
Thank you Aleksander for sharing your very poetic-mystical reflections. I’m glad your nervous system could spiral out of contraction with a nice cuppa!
I recognize a lot from what you are writing about. For me, it is a ‘live and let live’. I don’t feel rejected when someone says ‘no’, one way or another. My space is sacred, another one’s space is too. When someone doesn’t understand when I set my boundaries, it is their problem, not mine. Does this sound selfish? If someone else feels rejected, it only means I am some kind of mirror for the other person. It is for them to dive into it. And if I get hurt one way or another by someone else, it is my responsibility to see where this pain comes from. It is always a child pain of neglect, loneliness, or whatever emotion I feel. But… I don’t get ‘hurt’ that often anymore (which is kind of a liberating feeling).
To set my own boundaries, say ‘no’ when I need to and to really do so - despite of what is suspected in our society or by someone’s own morals and standards or hope - takes a big grasp of air, especially when you expect someone else will not understand. Although it might sometimes feel as a struggle and difficult to do, it is the best form of selfcare I can do for myself.
It’s really all about becoming an ‘emotionally grown up’ person. Ever read ‘Volwassen worden voor volwassenen’ (Elmer Hendrix)? I realise that a large part of humanity is still stuck in ‘what they are supposed to say or do’, stuck to their family system of ‘this is how we do things’, their culture, believes and a strong set of moral standards that are never looked at, nor investigated as to whether they are still appropriate and applicable (and all the other things you mention😉).
It takes a form of ‘consciousness’ to outgrow all of that. I am learning fast after making a decision to listen to myself and what I want and need instead of thinking what the other will think of me. Getting close to 55 I realise I spent almost 55 years to be nice to others and I forgot myself, lost myself, along the way.
The more conscious I get, the ‘lonelier’ it gets, but it doesn’t really feel lonely actually. It feels steady and good and solid to be honest.
Also, the more guilt you feel about living your own standards, the more emotionally grown up you are becoming.
‘Als je begrijpt wat ik bedoel’ (zou Olivier B. Bommel zeggen)😌.
Hey Andrea, that's great that you have the spacious capacity to not take things personally. That gives even more space in return!
I recently learned the difference between 'I can feel emotional effects after a conversation', but it's their story, and I don't have to buy into it. Not selfish at all! I also love what you write about sacred space.
The mirror image ALSO lives in my awareness (beautiful to unpack perhaps in another essay!), also about what I learn in the mirror of the interaction - without expecting them to see things the same, be in the relationship in the same way, reflect tin the same way, take the same insights with etc...
Boundaries are essential for self care - and I always remain intrigued by the dance between... Boundaries to protect, without separating. I'll check out Hendrix' book, sounds like an awesome read!
I think there can be a loneliness in relationship when it doesn't resonate, so absolutely, solid and steady when choosing your own company. Love all your reflections in Bommel style, (for other readers - a Dutch comic with a reflective bear who feels he's quite philosophical :-) Thank you!!!
I have seen this topic discussed a lot on Instagram for the past 2 years, which makes me think that there needs to be more action and understanding as a society if it's still so unresolved after so long. Even individuals who are able-bodied have been expressing some of the sentiments listed in the post! What I appreciate most is that you introduce a different approach to handling the situation, one that is more thoughtful and measured - empathetic even! I think that most often, I feel emotion #2...otherwise, I'm usually quite happy to squirm out of social obligations. ^_^
It’s so good to read your observation on the long arc of social media… sometimes it feels so transient but there are such clear dynamics…
Hi Eugenia, yes that's such an accurate reflection. I think communication is challenging for all of us.
Even in reading the reflections on the essay, I thought about the differences between introvert/extravert; HSP-nonHSP, neurodivergent, who can all be in able-bodies or have the added challenge of limiting health...
Perhaps we could think of a series on Embodied Communication - especially re the different approaches; so that we can keep the communication open with respect and curiosity...
Had to grin with the 'happy to squirm out' but yes, that can create it's own type of loneliness, grief, wishfulness and frustration re our body... Hope you can re-connect with body as a friend.
Your comment reminded me of an old post I wrote several years ago on my other Platform: https://www.elinekieft.com/blog/loving-your-unbroken-body
Love your writing Eline. I find the little bit of Contact Improv I practice relates to what you're saying. I'll also reread what you wrote and think about the dialogue that goes on between my 2 ears. I like how you conclude with the idea of celebrating the times the space remains soft.....
I'll work on that with others and also with how I communicate with myself.
Nice to reconnect Real! And so happy to hear that my essay sparked some useful reflection… so much of conversation goes on below the surface…