Resetting Rejection
Move Your Emotions, Soothe Your Nervous System
Two weeks ago, I wrote about the hidden negotiations involved in living with an invisible disability, when your body doesn’t move, feel or function the way others expect. Last week we looked below the surface of communication.
Now we turn to impact on our emotions and nervous system when feeling misunderstood, and the difference between direct, subtle or delayed forms of rejection. We’ll explore how movement can help you reset, and at the end I’ll share a free Qi Gong practice to help release the energetic residue of a challenging encounter and restore balance.
The Emotional Cost of Rejection
When people say “no” outright to something you propose, it’s clear. With this direct type of rejection, you know where you stand, and can take it or leave it. It might hurt or confuse, but it’s solid ground: you’re given something to push off from, to respond to, or to walk away from with clarity.
Harder is when someone doesn’t say anything, but their micro-reactions signal discomfort. This is a more subtle form of rejection. Their face might tighten or get a questioning expression. There could be a pause (if you’re on the phone, you might imagine their eyebrows raised to their hairline). They are trying to process what is going on. Perhaps their voice falters, or they quickly withdraw the invitation. It might be unexpressed, but you still feel it.
Another challenge is when the rejection happens in hindsight, which would be a delayed rejection. You had no idea that there had been a problem, and all of a sudden it’s described as a situation in which your boundaries had felt unsafe for the other. Or you hear on the grapevine that they’ve been talking about you. These situations leave no way of sharing your side of the story or healing the dynamic. The decision has already been made, the verdict has fallen. You’ve become a complication they’d prefer to avoid, or you’ve been quietly filed under ‘difficult.’
Even when unspoken, these reactions can leave deep imprints, especially after years navigating physical limitations and medical systems. Often our own worst critics, we carry internal narratives that offer little kindness. These can be amplified by societal expectations that always suggest we’re too much or not enough, in all the wrong ways.
Living with an invisible disability, these moments can add to the daily load of managing symptoms, masking difference and constantly translating or justifying our experience for others.
I like to think, and need to believe, that these reactions are not mean or malicious. Often, they’re simply unconscious. People are unsure how to meet a rhythm they’re not familiar with and might be startled by their own discomfort (again, see last week’s post on what might be going on below the surface of challenging conversations).
(Un)Safety and Nervous System Shutdown
Not only do these moments of misunderstanding have an emotional impact. They influence our nervous system too. Our sense of safety isn’t determined only by conscious thought, but by an ancient part of the nervous system constantly scanning our environment for cues of connection or threat. This system responds not just to danger in the classic sense, but equally to tone of voice, facial expression, timing and posture.
In fact, safety is deeply relational instead of rational. It depends more on how attuned we feel to those around us, than on any logical assessment of risk. You can know intellectually that you’re fine, but your body displays a different response.
This is all about social nuance, and some people are more sensitive to these cues than others. Sensory antennae can be more finely tuned, the skin more porous. At times, the boundary between self and world can feel paper-thin, and sometimes so permeable that it feels like we have no skin at all…
Whatever the type of response, your body might slip into an unresolved alertness. It might flicker into sympathetic arousal. You might recognise this as restlessness, overthinking or the impulse to fix or justify. Your response may also go the other way, when your energy collapses, or has a sense of being frozen. Especially when you live with chronic illness, burnout or long memories of being misunderstood, these moments don’t just disappointment, they register as threats to belonging.
Memories leave traces in your body and might shape how you respond in future situations, in ways you might not realise. You might feel yourself curling inward to protect your heart, even before anything has gone wrong. You might find yourself hesitating before you speak, second-guessing how the other will respond. You might start editing yourself in anticipation, withdrawing your truth before it’s even spoken. Perhaps, along the way, it becomes easier to stay silent and go along with what others expect. All in the name of harmony and keeping the peace. But harmony for whom? And at what cost?
Movement to Release the Tension
It’s important to release the energetic and emotional residue from these encounters. There are many ways to do this, including breath work, movement and the shamanic technique of recapitulation (of which I’ll write more another time!).
However you approach this, I encourage you to consciously release the energy of moments where your needs were dismissed, misunderstood or made to feel like too much. Letting go of these accumulated experiences gives your body the chance to soften again. That helps you trust the present moment without bracing against the past. Each time you release a layer, you create more space to meet the world from who you are now.
Let’s take a look at how movement can help. Some experiences can’t be reasoned with. They live in the body, and they need the body to be released.
There is an interesting recent discovery that conscious, repetitive movement of the spine in combination with slow breathing is one of the best ways to reset your nervous system. I’ve found movements like Spinal cord breathing (to Reset) one of the quickest ways back to the more relaxed parasympathetic nervous system. You can even imagine your spine as a support structure to help you hold and move your truth.
I also designed a movement I call Thought Swipe (to Release). This combines the power of imagination and the release of energy in the right (emotional) side of our brain. It’s inspired by the shamanic technique of recapitulation and shares some similarities with EMDR, using rhythmic movement to support the processing and clearing of stress.
You can find both of these movements in the free 15-minute Qi Gong routine I created to help soothe your energy and transform overwhelm.
If you’re interested in additional resources (including a free 1-hour free Masterclass on transforming overwhelm, please visit my Overwhelm Gateway.
There’s so much more to explore on this topic, and I’m looking forward to unfolding it piece by piece. Meanwhile, I’d love to hear what this brings up for you. Please feel free to comment below or drop me a personal message if you have specific questions you’d like me to address in coming essays!